Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Week

I updated my blog last August.  The topic was about us being "paper pregnant".  We received an adoption referral of an adorable little boy.  We've been receiving monthly updates on him, including pictures, for the past three months.  We've been preparing a room for him.  We've been sharing his picture with close friends and family.  We've been dreaming about him and imagining him in our family.  We've been waiting for a court date so we can go meet him and obtain legal guardianship of him.

We finally received a phone call...but not the phone call we were expecting.  We have an update, and it's not good news.  I guess the easiest way to put this is that we've had a "paper miscarriage", aka failed adoption.

I don't feel free to share the reasons we were told, but "C" (as we'll call him) has been taken off the international adoption list.  And that's that.  End of story.  The end.  Finis.

To be completely honest, I want what's best for C.  If it's possible for him to find family members, I really want that for him.  I hate the thought of him bouncing around from one institution to another.  I would be heartbroken if I found out he aged out of the system and ended up on the streets.  I love that kid...even though I've never met him.  I still pray for him every morning.  I pray for him now as he's adjusting to a new home this week.

It's been one week since we received the news.  It feels like a month.  I told a friend of mine that it feels like a miscarriage.  We've been dreaming of him, preparing for him to join our family, loving him, longing to hold him and interact with him.  And now he's gone.

L, T and L have been fantastic through all of this.  Kids have perspective that we don't always have as adults.  They tell us that God has bigger plans for us.  They tell us there may be other child(ren) who need us more.  They tell us this is all part of the bigger story.  I know they're right, but I still mourn our loss.

Miss Mini Boss, Mr. Smarty Pants & Miss Personality

My heart hurts.  We've experienced a loss.  We have to now start over.  My dream of having another child before Christmas is now gone.  Even this morning I had the thought, "I wonder if C will like ______" and when the realization that he's not coming home hit me again, I had to swallow that proverbial lump.

Nobody said adoption was easy.  In fact, we were told that international adoption is very difficult with many unexpected twists and turns.  Our latest twist is that we picked the card that told us to move back three spaces.  We start over.  We aren't giving up.  We went into this expecting to open our hearts and home to kids that need us.  Our hearts and home are still open.  This is not the end of the story.